Holding me back
by aeonia
Summary: Monica does something one day, that changes her life. Five years on, the memory still haunts her . . . C&M!


Holding me back  
  
Hi! This is my first friends fic that I've actually decided to put up - but I've had the idea for ages. Set some time in the end of season 6, [before the proposal] and it doesn't correspond with the actual episodes at all, so I'm just warning you. Um, please tell me what you think. I don't care if you think it's really bad, just word it a nice way :p  
  
~aeonia~  
  
***  
  
Dedicated to Sunny - one of the bravest people I've known.  
  
***  
  
~Part 1: Reminiscence~  
  
That fateful day was still in Monica's mind. She couldn't even remember what it was about. Yes she could. She'd kissed Richard; and then Chandler . . . but she was sure that it should have been nothing. Nothing at all. But there it was anyway. Nothing could sure as hell cause a lot of pain.  
  
***FLASHBACK***  
  
"Just stop it! Get the hell out of my sight." Monica raged. Chandler looked at her for a while, looked about to reply, then just walked at took his coat. As he placed his hand on the doorknob, he turned around.  
  
"Bye, Mon. See you." He said, it a soft, wavering voice, a forced smile on his face. Even from her distance Monica could see the pain in his eyes. Half of her begged herself to go and stop him, but the other half held firm, forcing her to glare at him as he walked out of the door, walking past Rachel on his way out. Monica stood there, wondering what she'd done, willing herself to wake from the nightmare that was to become her life.  
  
"Monica!? Mon, are you okay?" Rachel rushed in to her friend, and Monica's defence broke, as she cried and cried.  
  
She sat there being comforted by her friends, all night, then the next day. She still couldn't believe that he hadn't come home. But he hadn't; and now she had to learn to face reality.  
  
That was the last time any of them had seen Chandler. He'd kept in touch with Joey, though, and usually phoned him a few times a week. But he'd never tell them where he was, or speak to Monica the way he used to. Sure he'd speak, but there was an element of sorrow and awkwardness that made speaking to him terrible - worse than the fact that he had just disappeared out of their lives.  
  
Sure, everyone had been there to comfort her. But it wasn't the same. One kiss, had cause all of this. That one night. That one time that changed Monica's life around: when Chandler just left.  
  
***END FLASHBACK***  
  
That was five years ago.  
  
Life hadn't been the same since.  
  
***  
  
Monica threw the remote down on the table. There was nothing on the television, well, nothing that she wanted to watch. There were happy people on every channel, people with their families, their friends, everyone they knew and loved. It seemed like the world was moving on without her.  
  
Stupid world. Damn the world. Why did she have to be in it?  
  
She got up and walked over to the kitchen to make herself some lunch. As she took the knife out of the drawer, she had cut the bread, she ran her finger gently down the blade, watching as it glinted in the light. Beckoning.  
  
She slammed the knife down on the table. That would be too easy. She was a fighter. Grabbing the sandwich that she'd just made, Monica walked over to the table, and flicked through the magazine. Boring. Why didn't everyone else seem to look like their world was falling apart?  
  
She had just put her empty plate down on the table, when the door knock. Cursing, she walked over and undid the lock. Phoebe and Rachel were standing there.  
  
"Thought we'd come round and cheer you up." Rachel said, looking cheerful, but was hurt when she saw no improvement in how Monica looked.  
  
"Hey. Yeah, come in." Monica said, trying to look cheerful. Within a few minutes, they were all sitting on the couch, Phoebe and Rachel trying to cheer up Monica.  
  
"Come on, lets go for a walk. It'll help Mon! You haven't been out for days. What d'you say?" Rachel asked.  
  
Monica shook her head. "I don't really feel like it. . ."  
  
"Monica. It's been five years. You made a mistake - you move on. You have to start getting on with your life some day, you know." Rachel said, pointedly.  
  
"You say that every day." Monica replied with a slight smile.  
  
"Yeah, that's 'cause it's true." Phoebe pointed out. "We've all gone through bad things, and we all came out of them and got on with our lives."  
  
"Slight difference. Your best friend and boyfriend didn't decide to walk out the door, because you told him too - even though he wasn't at fault - and decide that he won't show his face again." Monica stated, tears welling in her eyes.  
  
"You lost your best friend and your boyfriend? Two of them? Oh, wait I know. Sorry." Phoebe shrugged, and joined Rachel in trying to console Monica, who now had tears running down her face.  
  
Monica vaguely heard what they were saying to try and make her feel better. All she knew was that five years on, as soon as anyone brought up the subject of Chandler, or how he'd left, tears would well up in her eyes, and she'd sit there for ages, crying.  
  
She hated Chandler, as well as still loving him. He should have stuck up for himself, said something, realise that she wasn't as mad at him as she appeared to be. Why had she snapped back? Why couldn't she have taken the blame, which she rightfully deserved, for kissing her ex-boyfriend?  
  
Why couldn't she just drop dead now?  
  
***  
  
AN:// Okay, that was very short - but it was an introduction. By the way, since I decided to make up the people that share apartments, here's a note:  
  
Monica lives by herself, since Chandler went . . . Joey lives with a roommate/girlfriend [Michelle] Rachel and Ross live together [This story doesn't actually include Emma, or anything, but I think they're sweet together] Phoebe lives with her fiancée [had to try and marry one of them . . :p] Bryan.  
  
Now, can you click that lovely box below?  
  
Thanks.  
  
~aeonia~ 


End file.
